The apping saga - written in IIT on Jan 29, 2003

The Apping Saga

Come penultimate semester and you find hordes of people attending classes and listening intently to the theory of Zisbrowliscunus as taught by someone who looks the same and you doubt your belief that final year is not to do and die. Then you find these hordes sitting hours in front of the computer switching pages between good quality babas(desi is good) and abodes of higher education present right from States to Timbucktoo; ofcourse there are always a few people(as Mr. Murali M Joshi put it or something to this effect) who will have to wait before they can learn to use the internet.
Though not into this business myself, I have seen many friends wasting their time trying to complete their assignments when they should have been playing Counter-Strike. Men should be men, or atleast they should look like men and go to the gym. Not that I say the apping process is just for men, but where we study we dont find anything but men and trees.
The requirements for applying abroad resemble the demands of the tribals who usually give out the war cry 'cholbe na'. There are forms and recos and SOPs and blah blah and each work is tougher than using the toilets in coaches of Indian Railways. The funniest part is the student-guide interaction where both know what lies beneath :
Guide : Have you read the research paper I asked you to read ?
Student : goo goo !! gee gee !! hee hee hee !!
Guide : Why haven't you been attending my classes ?
Student : goo goo !! gee gee !! hee hee hee !!
Guide : If you continue this way, I shall have to fail you.
Student : bohoo !! bohoo !! wah ! Sir, I would like your recommendation for applying abroad..
Guide : goo goo !! gee gee !! hee hee hee !!
The SOPs are a good example of the world our great leaders dreamt of before they died writing about it. " I am a self respecting, honest and hard working individual and have been involved in the field of signal processing using neural networks and advanced hyperterminal of fourth degree since my childhood ". Ofcourse this is a replica of the bold statements made by the seniors passed out, but unless you are Gautam Pande you cannot carry this shit around with dignity ; no self-respecting man can.
And finally when you finish your journey apping, there is the long silent wait where guys behave like Vietnami Pigs. Vietnami Pigs are those animals who look like complete morons after they've finished applying to universities abroad. And then everyone starts hating Zisbrowliscunus just as much as I do.

Kapiche ?

If you do not know the meaning of the the title, don't panic ! You're simply a dumb, ignorant mortal like me, only one with more salary. Ignorant people can read and write without any adherence to the general directions of short, to-the-point writing and to the acceptable quantities of beer by a human body. They go where no man has ever gone before; how many women have gone there is a question for different time and space. Such questions should be addressed in the year when Saturn is in the 6th house with Venus, prompting the Sun to say 'they surely must be partying while I burn my ass off'.
If you think that life, in general, sucks and then you find people telling you that this is just a phase; you would also agree that such people suck. When you're lying in a pit full of poo 20 feet below the earth's surface, the last thing you want to hear is someone say 'you'll get over it'. Sympathetic people are a menace to the society and should be whipped with cream, bare-naked, till the point of reverse-excretion is reached and they no longer need a free lunch. Aww ! I hope they get over it. Ofcourse, you could also save all this cream and feed it to Sharapova to have your own version of Sharapatra; a hybrid, not between Maria and Cleopatra, but between Maria and Mr. Patra who lives two blocks away and looks ready to eat the two blocks as well incase he doesn't find the pastry shop open.
The AB annual meet planning is finally underway; for people who do not know what AB stands for can click here . Ofcourse, it is a circle where there will first be planning done for when and where, and then 3-4 others shall plan and veto the place, while 2 others shall do background checks and find that they have never spent their entire day of 24th december on the pot drinking hot-choclate and would like to do it this year, and so the dates for the meet should be rescheduled. Finally, it would be decided by 5-5 majority (1 member against all democratic processes, including bombing any country) that there must be a planning team to decide on all matters relating to the meet. Then there shall be elections for the head of this team, and atleast 4 people shall plan on how to win: which essentially means deciding what constitutes a better bribe - Chivas Regal or Glenfiddich. After team-formation, and the traditional 'Hail our leader, he spoilt our liver' chants, the planning team gets down to the business of deciding whether their posts should be made permanent. Discussion continues, there is a coup attempt, everyone is disgusted and until one of them throws a booze party for no reason and everyone travels to his house. This is how AB annual meet would presumably take place if things go naturally.
Laughter is the best medicine, atleast until they invented condoms (hey, which one protects you from AIDS?). So you would assume that stand-up comedians would have a healthy life. However, I am sure if I tried stand-up comedy it would be considerably shortened to the point when even a perfectly sober and docile housewife would learn to use a shotgun. So I don't do comedy shows, which has prompted many of my friends to switch to 'Whose line is it anyway'. Now that is a joke of a twisted kind.... No?....Yes? - Kapiche?